Relationships

Why Do You Think You’re Single? Part 3

Name: Christine

Why You Think You’re Single:

Christine: I think there are several reasons I’m single. First off, until very recently I really didn’t know what I wanted. I liked certain things about different guys but didn’t really know who or what kind of a relationship I was looking for. I thought I wanted to do the casual “friends” thing but turns out I hate that. Second, at this point I’m in transition. I’ll be moving the NYC in July, which would make this an awkward time to start a relationship. But, overall I think I’m single because I needed the majority of this year to figure out what I wanted for myself and in a boyfriend.

Male Response: If you don’t know what you want, then waiting to engage in a serious relationship is a good idea. Serious relationships come with serious emotions and heartbreak, so trying to luck into a great relationship rarely yields a fortuitous ending. As for the “friends” thing (assuming you mean friends with benefits), I think the trouble stems from disparate understandings. Just like any relationship, both partners need to be honest about their intentions and their feelings. It just so happens that the fuck buddy thing tends to lead to two people thinking that apathy about sex should extend to apathy about everything else. But no two people can spend a significant amount of time together without being cognizant of each other’s understanding of the relationship dynamic. This is all just to say that you shouldn’t write off the “friends” thing. As for your impending relocation, it’s probably a good idea to wait on something serious. It’s pretty hard to sustain a long distant relationship so early in a relationship.

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Do you want to be single:

Christine: Like I said, I think I needed to be single after a three-year relationship but I’m ready to find someone now or in the near future. I’ve had a great time building better relationships with my family and girlfriends and think I really needed that. My main goal is to take it slower with the next guy. So no I don’t want to be single, but I’m not about to jump into a relationship either.

Male Response: I don’t think you should allow the memory of your failed relationship to spoil your current prospects. If you’re ready to start dating again, if you’re actually emotionally prepared to meet someone, then you shouldn’t need to take it slow. Presumably, you’ve learned from your mistakes and moved on. Acting cautiously simply ensures that you’ll miss out on opportunities to find someone worthwhile. Nothing truly great comes risk-proof.

Are there characteristics you have that would “scare” a boy away:

Christine: Well I’m a little crazy. I think I’m awesome if you can put up with me. I try to be a kind person and a loyal friend. But, I can get pretty stressed out and that sometimes makes me a bit of a control freak- not about others, just about my own life. I also have some daddy issues that I deal with myself and don’t like others commenting about it or my anxiety (the ex didn’t get that). I don’t want you to feel like you need to take care of me, I just want you to know when I need it. I also need my “me time” every once in a while. Not necessarily time to be alone, but time to do exactly what I want to do for a bit. Understandably, these aren’t the easiest things to put up with.

Male Response: Everyone is a little crazy. Just be up front about your neuroses and take your “me time” when rational discourse can’t be achieved. And be up front about needing help. There is no shame in needing someone to take care of you once in awhile. Just don’t expect every guy to telepathically know when you need it. Even the best guy fails when he is expected to read your mind.

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What do you want from guys/do you think this is reasonable:

Christine: This is probably the hardest question for me to answer. At least for me ambition is sexy. I want a guy who knows what he wants and is willing to work hard to get it. I also like guys who have opinions. I don’t care if you’re Republican or Democrat but know whom you’re voting for and why. I’m also looking for someone who wants to be active. I like running and skiing and want someone to share that part of my life with. I’m not saying you need to be a runner or a skier, but I’m looking for someone who is willing to jump on a jet ski instead of lying out in the sun. I’d say it’s pretty reasonable.

Male Response: These sound like good standards. But, don’t make the mistake of a prima facie assumption that if a certain guy doesn’t meet one of those standards, he never will. In a quality relationship both partners grow and become better. If you find a guy you like who doesn’t know ski or run, ask him to join you. I think that the best way to go about entering a great relationship is to judge other people based on their character instead of their extracurriculars. If they’re a person you can fundamentally get along with, then they’ll love trying new things with you.

What do you think a guy would say about why you’re single:

Christine: I’ve had guy friends tell me they thought I was a bitch before they got to know me. It’s something I’ve worked on; I know that I can come off as a little bit judgmental. I think guys can also pick up on the fact that I’m a relationship kinda girl and that can be intimidating if you’re not ready for it. I’m also really close to my family, which has freaked some guys out. I’ve had guys tell me I come off as insecure through text messages. I don’t know what that really means, but there’s that.

Male Response: Never rely on the universe (or timing) to set things right. If you want those things, actively seek them out. Women in the 21st century have the unique ability to do whatever they want, so don’t just hope that you’ll luck into something great. Put in the work, and you’ll be much more likely to find someone to make you happy.

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“Single Girl” is tired of hooking up with random dudes at frat parties, dealing with men leading her on, and always having to make the first move. Dealing with the unfortunate scene of college dating, “Single Girl” tackles the topics of love, lust, and relationships. 

 

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