We’ve all been in situations where we just need a boyfriend or at least a guy to keep us entertained. It could be purely for a hook up, someone to pay attention to us, or maybe just someone to take us out on fun dates. We’ve all thought about how life would be better if we had a boyfriend. I do all the time—the perks of being a single young woman. Fun.
But what happens when we crave attention and desire from someone so badly that it forces us to lower our standards and settle? Besides an emotional streak of ranting to friends, watching chick flicks, and indulging in endless froyo, it can cause a significant amount of damage to the way a woman views relationships, treats herself, and her future partner.
Recently, I had a friend, Rachel*, who was in an on-and-off again hook up with this dude that she met in the beginning of the school year. What started a drunken night, turned into the realization that they had classes together, and eventually a strong friendship. When anything starts with sex (or just a sexual interaction in this case), the relationship will always be focused on sex. There’s a chance that the relationship can turn into something with more commitment but, once you see someone naked, it’s hard to go back.
Rachel continued being daytime friends with this guy and then nighttime lovers. She lost her virginity to him because she felt comfortable with him as more than “just another guy.” From then on things were pretty scandalous and continued at an off-and-on again pace until the end of the school year. Throughout this time Rachel developed feelings for this guy and when she confronted him about it, he didn’t have much of a response. From there things went downhill pretty quickly. He was still hung up on his ex girlfriend and even admitted to Rachel that he missed her after they had sex one night.
After this moment the “couple” never really discussed anything that happened but continued to have drunken sex because “why not?” At this point, there are a lot of obvious problems with the relationship. This guy was clearly not over his ex, he was using Rachel to move on, he ignored anything that involved feelings, and he was thinking with one thing: his dick.
Is it really worth it to settle and find Mr. ALMOST perfect? Of course, the search gets exhausting. I mean I’ve had eight boyfriends since I was 14 and I’m ready to give up. But really what it comes down to is treating yourself with respect and understanding what you want. Women can’t let a friendship from a man replace the negative or poor behavior that he displayed. It’s just like using “I love you” in order to make everything better. It’s a way to embellish a problem, make it look nice again, without actually solving it.
Women constantly allow men to control the relationship and treat them as a rebound or someone to have sex with. The obvious solution is to avoid this but sometimes it takes women a long time to notice these risky behaviors. The first sign should be if your dude doesn’t want to talk about your feelings. Most guys don’t, but if he really cares about you he’ll listen and have some sort of a response. Other warning signs include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These behaviors all correlate with negative feelings towards other and lashing out in unexpected ways.
In the end, if you have to ask yourself constantly, “Am I making a mistake?” you probably are. Settling in a relationship causes lack of improvement with partners in the future, lack of self confidence, and just a bad aura overall. So tell me, are you making a mistake?
“Single Girl” is tired of hooking up with random dudes at frat parties, dealing with men leading her on, and always having to make the first move. Dealing with the unfortunate scene of college dating, “Single Girl” tackles the topics of love, lust, and relationships.