Fake name: Lauren
Why do you think you’re single?
Lauren: I wish I knew the answer to this. I think I’m single for a few reasons—one of them being that I eventually want to be in a long-term relationship and somehow the guys I usually hook up with are ones who either don’t want that or have a commitment where they can’t be in a long-term thing. My past three relationships have ended because of distance. Distance in colleges, study abroad, or jobs.
Male Response: It’s sucks that your relationships were ended by circumstances outside your control, but distance really is a valid reason to break things off. I’d have to know the rest of your “few reasons,” but it sounds like your single status isn’t really a fault of your own. Assuming you and I are about the same age, then it’ll likely be a few more years before guys start looking for the same thing as you. We’re still focused on finishing school, paying back our loans, and finding a job. At least within my friend group, being in anything super long-term would tie us down and limit our options.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Just be patient; we’ll come around.
Do you want to be single?
Lauren: Not really, I’ve always been one to be in a relationship and I enjoy having someone to spend time with. But, I want to be single if the relationship is going to be a total disaster; it’s hard to be hurt over and over again.
Male Response: I always found it kind of peculiar the way being single is associated with being alone. You don’t have to be in a relationship to have someone to spend time with. If anything, I’ve always felt like being single frees you up to spend time with MORE people, male and female. I think the key is to enjoy your life no matter what your situation is and good things will come of it. You’ll seem content, and other people will want in on it.
Are there characteristics you have that would “scare” a boy away?
Lauren: I have a pretty interesting personality—I’m loud and sometimes “in your face.” Sometimes I can be overwhelming and I think that can come off in a negative way. I also think guys look at me and make a quick judgment on the way I dress, sometimes I give off the “Jewish American Princess” vibe which actually isn’t me at all, you just have to get to know me.
Male Response: Just keep doing what you’re doing. Eventually you’ll find someone just as loud as you, and the first time you talk over them it’s going to catch their interest. Being able to command a conversation shows you’re assertive. I’m loud as shit but my ex somehow had me beat, so I’m talking from experience here.
What do you want from guys/do you think this is reasonable?
Lauren: I want a guy who is fun, has a good personality, and is willing to try new things. I’m looking for someone who can get my jokes vice versa. I’m also looking for someone who is a bit sensitive and understanding, who feels comfortable sharing their feelings with me and vice versa. But ultimately, I’m looking for a guy who is ready to be in a relationship. Hook up’s are fun but at some point you have to get over that.
Male Response: Call me.
What you’re looking for sounds very reasonable, and I know a variety of dudes — myself included — that fit the criteria. It just seems like your idea of a relationship might be more tightly defined that most guys’… and no, I’m not talking about fidelity.
What do you think a guy would say about why you’re single?
Lauren: Honestly, probably because I ask for “too much” meaning I want to be a in a relationship.
Male Response: There really isn’t anything wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. I just think you should reconsider the reason people form relationships. It’s basically a game of trial and error: We date someone because they seem interesting and we like giving them our time, and this carries on until one or both parties lose interest. Sometimes it takes two months to feel the urge to move on, sometimes it takes three years, and sometimes it takes until you’ve been married for 40 years and have three full grown children. If you’re strictly looking for something “long-term,” then you’re viewing things too narrowly.
I understand and agree that hook up culture isn’t very fulfilling, but that doesn’t mean the only alternative is going steady with someone for X number of years. Mature adults in their 40s and 50s sometimes form relationships with four or five partners in a year. It’s all about letting things happen fluidly. Meet someone, try going around with them for a while, see how it feels, and if it’s not working then start looking for someone else. Don’t draw things out.
Basically what I’m saying is, yes, looking for a long-term relationship right off the bat can seem like “too much” to a guy. That doesn’t mean we CAN’T do long-term, it just means it’s not really something we think about. If we’re happy with someone, we’ll stay with them.
“Single Girl” is tired of hooking up with random dudes at frat parties, dealing with men leading her on, and always having to make the first move. Dealing with the unfortunate scene of college dating, “Single Girl” tackles the topics of love, lust, and relationships.